Thursday, November 24, 2005

An Ode to Mom

A lesson in loving, forgiving, forgetting and moving on
by Anita S. Lane

As my mother’s birthday approaches, I think about her life and her legacy to me. Undeniably, one of the most important lessons in life I’ve learned and that I’m still learning from her is the lesson in loving, forgiving, forgetting and moving on.

My mother has an incredible capacity for unconditional love and a unique ability to get along with others who are unlike herself. She truly is no respecter of persons. This has been a phenomenal lesson for me. Throughout different seasons of her life, some of my mother’s closest friends—or at least individuals with whom she would spend quality time—were individuals that quite often, baffled me. In addition to her regular core group of “girlfriends” my mother has always seemed to find time to befriend individuals with hardships (whom others would conveniently ignore) or individuals who are wonderful and loving, yet slightly impaired.

While I was growing up, this meant lending a ride to a woman and her children who didn’t have a car; picking up a sister for church who may not drive; rounding up food, clothing and toys for a young woman and her family; involving those with few family or friends into our daily lives; and introducing newcomers to family gatherings and holiday meals. Most of all, I believe my mother’s most important role for the friends in her life is being there—when they need her most—with a listening ear, a compassionate heart and an encouraging word.

Of all the lessons I’ve learned from my mother, the one in loving is fundamental; but that’s not all. Because adjacent to the act of loving is the crucial act of forgiving. You cannot have true love without forgiveness. You see, life is all about love. It’s one long, love journey. Ideally we are born out of love. And once we are born, instantly we are born into love—whether it’s birth parents, adoptive parents, friends or guardians. Then as we grow, we are part of a family where we experience the love of siblings, extended family and community.

All the while, we’re learning what love is really all about and how to manage this—the most powerful emotion in the universe. And along the journey of love we encounter other travelers. If we’re fortunate we will meet great travel buddies and find life-long road companions, but we will also experience many near misses, fender-benders, and a few collisions with almost fatal repercussions.

At issue is not whether we will have such encounters but how we handle them. And learning to forgive is fundamental. In an incredible show of strength and resilience, my mother has demonstrated how to forgive, forget and move on. In forgiving, she’s shown me that you don’t have to wait on the offender to admit his or her wrong; you must simply choose to forgive. In forgetting, she’s demonstrated that you cannot harbor anger, hatred or bitterness, nor hang on to harm done to you; you must let it go and get on with the business of life. And in moving on, she’s proven that you cannot get stuck in the “ugly” that transpired in the past; there is too much beauty in your future.

Loving, forgiving, forgetting and moving on—all prerequisites to obtaining a valid driver’s license for the road of life’s long, love journey. And I am so grateful for a mother who has blessed me with a wonderful example and who has taught me by her life, how to live by these principles. As an adult, these lessons mean so much more to me than they ever did when I was a child. And I know that without the incredible example I have in my mother, I would not be the woman I am today.

For true love is not found in getting, but in giving; and the true test of love is not merely in sharing, but in forgiving. And the relationships God blesses us with along life’s journey are worth preserving—at all costs. The word of God instructs us to seek peace and pursue it. Surely, as we travel along life’s long, love journey, we’re presented each day with an opportunity to seek and pursue peace. And if we want to successfully reach our ultimate destination, we must take these fundamental “driver’s” lessons to heart.


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
Visit my online magazine for moms
http://keepingfamilyfirst.org

Sunday, October 30, 2005

Inclusion of Individuals with Disabilities Makes us a Richer Society

by Anita S. Lane

Meet Brent Cools. Yes, he is in fact cool. He played on his junior high football team. He graduated cum laude from Stevenson high school in Sterling Heights, Michigan and was voted MVP of the month on his job that he had held for four years. He enjoys watching wrestling and working out. He runs on the treadmill and lifts weights everyday after work. None of these achievements surprise Brent or his parents, yet they are worth noting given that upon his birth twenty-three years ago, doctors predicted that Brent would not be able to lead a “normal” life and recommended he be reared in an “institution.”

You see, Brent was born with Down Syndrome—a condition that replicates a critical portion of the
21st chromosome in other cells in the body. This additional genetic material alters the course of development and causes the characteristics associated with Down Syndrome.

Today, Down Syndrome is the most common genetic condition with one in every 800 to 1,000 children born with it. And because the mortality rate for individuals with Down Syndrome is decreasing there are more individuals with Down Syndrome in society. Experts project that the number of people with Down syndrome within the population will double in the next 10 years, thereby increasing the amount of interaction Americans will have with individuals with this condition, and increasing the need for greater public education and acceptance.

The truth is, individuals with Down syndrome possess varying degrees of mental retardation, from very mild to severe, and most people with Down syndrome have IQs in the mild to moderate range of mental retardation. Given this fact, inclusion of individuals with Down syndrome in typical classroom settings, community organizations, work forces and social and recreational activities is crucial.


Brent refused to follow the typical course of study for “special education” students. He wanted to be included and he applied himself accordingly. Brent performed in his school’s theatrical productions of Peter Pan and Charlie Brown.

“I didn’t want to be treated differently. I wanted to be with all the kids, Brent states.” In keeping with this mantra, Brent played on the school football team and attended senior prom. Part of Brent’s Individualized Educational Plan (IEP) was a “circle of friends” that would help him and meet for 20 minutes a week and do other things with him.

His desire to be treated as any other individual his age is understandable. He’s like any other young adult. He works full time and his favorite tv show is “friends” and most recently, the new series, “Commander-In-Chief.” He’s also a big fan of pro wrestling. He even has stock in wrestling and checks his investment online every afternoon.

“The one word Brent always hated hearing was the word, “different.” Brent never perceived himself as being different. And he never accepted that,” states Brent’s father, Harold Cools.

Elaine Yager, Brent’s teacher at Davis Junior High advocated toget Brent into the regular classroom. “Brent was one of my star pupils and he needed to explore opportunities he had not had in the past. We modified the goals and he made it. He was successful. The kids were accepting of him and he was accepting of those kids too. He would not be successful in his job today had it not been for him exploring his independence skills. He does his job. He would not have been able to do that if he had been pigeon-holed into a strict “Down Syndrome” program. Fortunately, I had the luxury of parents who supported me. As parents, you are your child’s number advocate. We as teachers only supplement that.”

On the subject of inclusion, Brent’s mom, Marie couldn’t agree more. “We all have something to offer each other. And that’s something that you can’t learn out of a textbook.” The teachers and other parents learn that these students are just like everyone else,” Brent’s mom says.

Research shows that inclusion is good for all involved. In a nationwide study commissioned by the National Down Syndrome Society (NDSS) the report showed that entire classes benefit from working with a student with Down syndrome and “almost all teachers who responded found inclusion enjoyable, with some [teachers] calling it the single most interesting and rewarding experience of their careers.” (Source: www.NDSS.org)

Inclusion beyond the classroom is important too. Participation in the arts can have a positive impact on cognitive, physical and social development. Involvement in activities such as band, choir or ballet also improves social development, helps foster self-esteem and helps individuals with disabilities make friends with others in the community.

Yet while inclusion is promoted at the secondary school level, college has not been an option to students with Down Syndrome until recently. Now, a number of colleges are experimenting with educational programs for individuals with disabilities, as opposed to just the traditional vocational training.

In addition to inclusion is the need for greater interpersonal relationships. “Loneliness” is typically a problem for individuals with Down Syndrome, whose siblings and peers move out of the house and eventually start their own families.

Programs such as Step Out, Step In, and Step Together, exist to help address the social and recreational needs of teenagers with a variety of physical and developmental abilities. Services such as DateAble Inc., a dating service for young adults with disabilities, exists to help people meet, date and possibly marry. And Best Buddies International Inc., provides opportunities for individuals with disabilities to become friends with individuals without disabilities.

Fortunately, young people with Down Syndrome and their parents are fighting for and claiming more inclusion into mainstream society. Kate Barlett, from Arlington Massachusetts, testified before the U.S. Senate on October 20, 2005. She was a varsity swimmer and toured with the choir in high school. She is now earning her associate degree from Middlesex Community College.

Carrie Bergeron earned a teaching-assistant certificate from her local community college. She received her learner's permit to drive and is planning to wed her “prince charming” in July of 2006. Carrie’s fiancĂ©, Sujeet, a musician who plays six different instruments, also has Down Syndrome. He calls Carrie his, “Dream Girl.”

Individuals like Brent, Kate, Carrie and Sujeet, inspire me and serve as role models for my nine month-old son who also has Down Syndrome. I am hopeful that the greater level of inclusion that is taking place will create a better culture of understanding for individuals with Down Syndrome and other types of disabilities in the future.

You see, learning to embrace our differences makes us a richer society. A rich society is more than just a wealthy society, monetarily. A rich society is one which recognizes and is enriched by the inherent value each individual possesses. Brent Cools' mom puts it succinctly, “Brent has taught us more than we could ever have imagined.”

Long-term, Brent would like to take some college courses in film, computers and cooking. Brent has advice for other young people with Down Syndrome: “Hang out with the regular kids…Go to all the events.”

When asked what he wants the world to know about him as well as others with disabilities, Brent says, “I can do anything...if I have a little help.” Perhaps Brent recognizes something the rest of us don’t. We all can do anything. And we all need a little help.



Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
Visit my online magazine for moms
http://keepingfamilyfirst.org/

Sunday, October 09, 2005

You’ve Got this Momma Spoiled Rotten!

by Anita S. Lane


That child is spoiled rotten. We’ve all heard it said or thought it about someone’s child. Maybe even our own. I admit it. I think I’ve “spoiled” each of my children—in a good way. But what I didn’t expect is that I would be spoiled in return.

I gave birth to my first child at age thirty. I was a happily-married, confident, career-woman with loving, supportive family and great friends. I wasn’t having a child in order to create a human being to shower me with love and affection. Quite the opposite, I believe God gives us children for us to love, adore and shower with all the unconditional love and affection we can muster. So what happened?

Five years and four children into this mothering adventure I find that I’m a much different woman than I was five years ago. My children love to be held, cuddled, kissed, caressed and told “I love you.” These gestures may not have meant much to me five years ago but today, they mean the world to me.

Each morning I look forward to hearing my daughter’s sweet, soft voice say the words, “Good morning, Mommy.” I cherish the moment each time my one year-old stops what he’s doing, wobbles over to me and lays his head on my knee—his way of taking time to say, “I love you…” It makes my heart stop.

I blush each time my three year-old son looks up from his booster seat at the kitchen table and says without solicitation, “I love you, Mommy.” When I tuck my one year-old in at night he gently strokes my head as he falls asleep (did he learn that from me?). It’s so sweet and it truly warms my heart.

Yes, I’m spoiled rotten. I even have to turn my head while reprimanding my son to avoid succumbing to his demands when he flashes those big, adorable puppy-dog eyes (with long beautiful eye lashes—I might add) and begins shedding those giant crocodile tears.

I’ve become thoroughly accustomed to my daily doses of hugs, kisses and cuddles and I’d probably be a wreck without them.

One day while going about my regular daily routine, my daughter interrupts and says, “Mommy, you’re the best mommy in the whole world,” and she envelopes me in a great, big hug.

I knew when I set out to have children that I would love them with all of my heart. What I didn’t realize is that they would love me with all of theirs. Yes, my children may be spoiled (not rotten), but they’ve got their momma spoiled rotten!

Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
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Sunday, October 02, 2005

Me, God and Dirty Dishes

by Anita S. Lane

I used to despise washing dishes. Just ask my husband. I would rant and rave like a two-year-old fighting bedtime. After all, I was five when my family bought our first home with a dish washer and somehow I ended up thirty-five washing dishes by hand.

I was so enamored with the purchase of our first home that I didn’t even notice there wasn’t a dishwasher in the updated kitchen. Adding a dishwasher now would require re-working the entire kitchen—not worth it. So here I am washing the dishes. And up until recently, it had no redeeming qualities nor did I see any benefit—besides clean dishes for eating.

But with each beautiful addition to our family, my time became more scarce. Then at one point both me and my husband launched major business endeavors. Most of the day my mind was buried in the details of at least a dozen things. Once the children were sound asleep, I’d finish up my tasks for the evening and wash the dishes before retiring to bed.

Sometimes I’d find myself washing dishes at midnight or one o’clock in the morning. Yet instead of complaining the whole while I’d play my music softly and approach dish duty as much needed down-time. Of course walking along the water’s edge would be more appealing than running my fingers through the dirty dish water, but it is water nonetheless. And water does have a calming effect.

So what do I do now during dish duty? I reflect on the day’s events. I think about future plans. I dream up new ideas. I sing. I come up with cute things to write about. And of course, I wash the dishes. Doing dirty dishes has become less of a chore. Sometimes I look forward to it. For it is the one period of time during the day when I am not multi-tasking. I’m all alone—me, God and my dirty dishes. While I work on cleaning the dishes, God works on cleaning me. A sort of mental and spiritual ‘detox’ at the end of the day.

No, I don’t look forward to washing dishes every night (sometimes I’m just plain tired and want skip the cleaning for the bed). But most often my new attitude toward to dish-washing has made the task much more endurable and sometimes even enjoyable.


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
Visit my online magazine for moms

Sunday, April 24, 2005

Learning is Child’s Play

by Anita S. Lane

I can recall when my daughter was in child care. In her two year-old class there were sixteen children and four care-givers. I observed how they would keep the children so engaged throughout the day. Story time, play time, special projects and crafts, lunch, nap, formal instruction, walks to the playground…they kept those kids on their toes.

My daughter eventually came home full-time. But after witnessing what the child development center did with my daughter all day I thought, there’s no way I can compete with that.

No, I cannot compete. At the child care center there were four care-givers who were paid full-time to take my daughter from activity to activity throughout the day. There wasn’t a day that went by when my daughter did not come home with a “project” that she had created. A project a day? Get with it, Mom!

After my daughter came home there were times when I felt a little less than adequate to be her teacher. Yet all of the reading I’ve done in child development teaches me that toddlers and preschoolers learn primarily through “play.”

At home I conduct one and a half hours (tops) of structured “teacher” directed learning. The rest of the learning occurs through hands-on life skills—helping Mommy cook, cleaning up and organizing their messes, exercising alongside Mommy to exercise videos, going to the grocery store, reading, bike riding, dining-in, visiting the library, drawing, learning from their favorite children’s television programs, and of course—playing.

However, I’ve observed a certain level of sophistication within this so-called “play.” My daughter and her younger brother create elaborate adventures and practice rescuing one another (with incredibly convincing sound-effects I must add). Are you two okay in there? They produce entire “movies” replete with costumes and props. They have a community of Barbies (male and female) who get dressed (and undressed), who attend church, go to the beach in their pink convertible, go to parties, date, get married, have children and drive a Volvo station wagon. (Really, Mattel® does make a blue Volvo station wagon with a car seat for the baby!)

So no, I’m not running behind my children with a new, exciting and supposedly mentally stimulating project each hour of the day. More than anything I’m a facilitator. Yes, we learn our ABCs and 123s. But I also make sure they have on-hand what they need to explore their world and even create a new world of their own if they so choose.

I’m now at peace. I no longer feel I have to compete with day care and my daughter is doing just fine. Hey, if what the experts say is true and playing really is fundamental to a preschooler’s learning and development, then my children are learning a lot!


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
Visit my online magazine for moms
http://keepingfamilyfirst.org/

Sunday, March 06, 2005

Baby On A Mission

by Anita S. Lane

Often while in preparation for parenthood we look at having a child solely from our personal vantage point. We will have a baby whom we can love and who will love us. We’ll teach, train and guide them and well—of course we have our mission as parents and the child will, of course, come along for the ride.

Yet the Word of God tells us that each and every one of us is fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14). God knew our name, He formed us, and He called us while we were yet in our mother’s womb (Isaiah 49:1). God has a distinct purpose for every child he allows to be born into the earth. And just like baby Jesus needed a conduit for getting here, your child needed you.

Now you are the steward of God’s special little one. Yes, you’re handling the day-to-day affairs, but the child yet belongs to God and you must seek God for His instructions on how best to raise the child He’s given you. Our children, just like our spouses, relatives and friends, are on loan to us while here on earth. God created people on earth for Himself. We just help groom them into the people He wants them to be.

This is particularly so if you give birth to a child prodigy, a child-star, a gifted or special needs child. If this is the case, sorry, you’re no longer the captain at the helm. The child’s mission and needs become the driving factor. Parents end up moving to California, evolving their lives around special courses, lessons or tournaments and/or relocating the family to a school district that can better accommodate their special needs child.

When we enlisted as parents, these are the types of sacrifices we potentially could be called upon to make, and God’s blessed you with everything you need to parent the child or children whom He has given you. So relax, let up of the helm a little and let God fulfill His will in the earth through your child.

And don’t be alarmed if you find that the baby is the one on a mission and you’re just along for the ride.

Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
Visit my online magazine for moms
http://keepingfamilyfirst.org/

Sunday, February 20, 2005

Tribute to Black History--pt 4

We Can Learn A Lot Today: Gleaning from Yesterday’s Civil Rights Leaders
by Anita S. Lane

I recently took the time to view the landmark series, "Eyes on the Prize," a 14-part documentary of the civil rights movement and its aftermath, spanning from the 1950s through the mid 1980s. As I reflect on the extraordinary movement of the 1950s and 60s, I clearly see why the movement was so successful. We’ve all heard the phrase “everything rises and falls with leadership.” Well, the black community of that day had its fair share of dedicated leaders who set the pace and led a nation of people toward true democracy.

What is it that these leaders did or possessed within them that made them and ultimately the movement, so extraordinary in my opinion? They possessed many qualities. And I realize now that these are the same qualities that the black community needs today in order to move further ahead collectively. “The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy,” Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. said. It may not be the 1960s, but the black community yet has challenges and controversy that we need to address.

What have I observed about the leaders of the nonviolent civil rights movement? In short, they were brilliant, courageous, well-read, strategic, team-oriented, persistent, publicly unified, resilient, focused, patient and hopeful. They also embraced the help of anyone who meant the movement well. And most importantly, they drew strength daily from God and from one another.

This is what it took to make an incredible history-changing movement like the one we experienced in the 1950s and 60s and this is what it will take to forever transform our lives in the 21st century.

I heard a message by a Pastor in Virginia who stated that Dr. King knew that in order to help take his people to the “promised-land” that he had to help “plant a dream inside of them.” King knew it would take vision. The pastor went on to state that we need some young people today to “stand up and say, I too have a dream.”

The pastor lamented that in our society today we’re letting secular entertainers shape our children’s dreams. He stated that entertainers like Snoop Dog, Lil’ Kim and Eminem have become the model of success for many young people. Now, I have nothing against individual entertainers who do what they feel they need to do in order to be successful. However, many of the behaviors and character traits they exhibit I don’t want my children to emulate.

The point is, we still need a dream—a dream that’s larger and more profound than a 52-inch plasma TV, or a tricked-out Lincoln Navigator. We need to pinpoint areas in which we have yet to make adequate strides in American Society and strategically set goals to make advances in those areas. We must push ourselves beyond ourselves.

Sometimes I’m concerned that we think we’ve arrived. Yet we really haven’t. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the poverty rate for African American children is more than twice as high as white children. The college graduation rate for black students is only one-third that of whites, and only about half of all Blacks who enter the ninth grade graduate with regular diplomas four years later.

Clearly we haven’t “arrived.” No, the “struggle” is not over, and there is a lot we can learn from the civil rights movement, its leaders and participants. And we must. If those leaders were to speak to us today, I believe they might say:

We must read books. It makes us smarter.
We must stay in school. It widens the window of opportunity.
We must learn to work well with others. It increases our probability of success.
We must stay the course in spite of opposition. It produces patience and results. We must bounce back after failure. It is the only way to achieve success.
We must be brave. It makes us stronger.
We must keep hope alive. It paralyzes fear.
We must keep our eyes on the prize. It's how endure temporary pain.
We must never give up. Otherwise we will never know what we could have achieved.
We must continually look to the hills from where our help comes. Our help comes from the Lord.

The qualities that empowered the leaders of the modern civil rights movement were not exclusive to them in their time. Those qualities will also work to advance the Black community today.


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
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Monday, February 14, 2005

Happy Valentine's Day!

Everybody Loves Love
by Anita S. Lane

Recently my husband and I went to see the movie, Hitch. When the movie ended the audience erupted in applause. I was surprised, but I too joined in. It is my inclination to applaud after a great film, but this is an act I typically reserve for viewing movies at home with my young children.

Whether we realized it or not, those of us viewing this movie chose to applaud in a dark movie theater before an inanimate screen where the actors are who knows where, and totally unable to hear or see our vote of confidence. What is it that would cause young, old, black, white, male, female, Asian, Latino, wealthy and working class to all join in unified applause? My guess is that it is the universal theme of love.

Since the beginning of time love has been the great equalizer among people. People on the seven different continents may spell it, say it and pronounce it differently, but we all feel love the same way.

It’s my speculation that majority of the audience was reminded of that special love after watching this film. Opening Valentine’s Day weekend, Hitch was released to capitalize on the holiday dedicated to love. The movie stars actors Will Smith, Eva Mendez and Kevin James, and is about a Date Doctor who helps nice guys woo the girl of their dreams.

Like Hitch, the original St. Valentine helped couples literally get “hitched.” As the legend goes, St. Valentine was a priest in third century Rome who performed secret marriage ceremonies for young soldiers and their brides because the Emperor had outlawed marriage under the premise that unmarried men made better soldiers. St. Valentine was ultimately put to death, but not before writing a letter to the young girl who visited him while he was in prison, and with whom he’d fallen in love. He signed the letter, “From your Valentine,” which we still say today.


So what is it about love that everybody loves? Well, true love is unconditional—it’s kind, gentle, forgiving, faithful, patient, hopeful, endearing and enduring. Love defers to others and it never gives up.

According to the American Heritage Dictionary, the word Love means a deep, tender, ineffable [indescribable] feeling of affection and solicitude toward a person, such as that arising from kinship, recognition of attractive qualities, or a sense of underlying oneness.

It is this indescribable love that makes you feel like you can fly, climb the highest mountain, swim the widest ocean, and achieve your wildest dreams. The genuine love received from another person makes you feel good about yourself and has enormous power to help you accomplish things you never thought you would.

The best part about love is that we each have the capacity to give and receive it. As children of the creator who IS love, to love is as much a part of our nature as breathing. It’s just that we have to put forth some effort to get it “just right.” Yea, it’s work, but it’s worth it.

So as we celebrate Valentine’s Day may it remind us of the power of love—the power of love to uplift, ignite and transform. This view of love must have inspired the songwriter who wrote the lyrics “what the world needs now is love, sweet love…” Love truly is what the world needs.


Giving and receiving love makes us happier, better people. Deep down we know that and that's why we desire it. It doesn’t matter who you are or what culture you come from, everybody loves love.

Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
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Sunday, February 13, 2005

Tribute to Black History--pt 3

May Black History Month Remind Us Why Affirmative Action is Still Needed
by Anita S. Lane

This Commentary was published in The Detroit News. CLICK HERE to see the article.


One hundred and twenty-two years after President Lincoln freed the slaves, I walked on the university campus as the first individual from my family lineage to attend and graduate from college. I’m an African-American.

I didn’t have the advantage of writing the name of a parent or sibling who attended the university before me. I was a young lady with promise, good grades, and leadership ability, but I owe my entry into the University of Michigan in part, to supportive counselors and affirmative action.

Opponents of affirmative action say that it is unfair, undemocratic, unconstitutional and two wrongs don’t make a right. But how fair, democratic and constitutional was the institution of slavery and the illiteracy, poverty, self-hatred and family dysfunction that ensued as a result—compounded by the effects Jim Crow and racism? The entrenched residual effects of slavery were not undone by Lincoln’s emancipation nor the Civil Rights laws and unfortunately, in spite of many positive steps forward, many of these factors still negatively impact the African-American community today.

According to the U.S. Census bureau, in 1860 there were approximately 4,000,000 slaves in America. African American slaves helped construct our nation’s most symbolic structures, harvested our crops, and by force, sweat, and blood helped build the industries that made America prosperous.

America cannot repay African Americans suitable damages for the 400 years of transatlantic slavery, but America can, being honest and compassionate, take positive actions that affirm the fact it so incalculably and systemically wronged a whole race of people for hundreds of years.

In a country with a progressive tax structure, virtually 100% tax write-offs for corporations and wealthy Americans, as well as a history of welfare and entitlement programs, lawmakers are accustomed to instituting laws and programs they think are fair, just and equitable. Affirmative action is no different.

Even more, affirmative action does not award undeserving individuals with degrees. Yes, I was admitted to college on the basis of their efforts to reach out to more minorities. But I worked hard and graduated. Then I worked hard and graduated again with my Masters Degree.

As humans we innately gravitate towards, understand and perhaps prefer people like ourselves. Affirmative Action helps to ensure that people of color are no longer systematically shut out of the ranks of the “movers and shakers” as well as positions of leadership in institutions that have been traditionally led by whites.

Affirmative action also isn’t about quotas. In the case of the college campus, affirmative action is, at its core, a conscience effort made on the part of admissions counselors to value racial and cultural diversity when making admissions decisions—believing that a diversified college campus makes for a better college experience and ultimately a better workforce.

From a cost-benefit standpoint, affirmative action costs very little. Yet we suffer grave social and economic consequences when we don’t make the effort. When blacks, whites and people of other races share the same dormitory, the same classroom and the same board room, great cultural exchanges take place. We stem the tide of ignorance and we learn to live in harmony with one another.

One affirmative action is all it took, and the world opened up for me. And now the world is open for my children. My children will have the social networks, education and experiences to take our family lineage to the next level.

However, it is now 140 years after Lincoln freed the slaves, a mere forty years since African Americans could expect equal treatment under the law, and there are still many African American individuals who yet need an opportunity like the one I received.

Yes, African Americans attend college at higher rates than we did fifty years ago, yet, according to a study by the Joint Center for Political and Economic Studies, the disparity between white college graduates and African American college graduates has actually increased since 1960, and the percentage of African American college graduates today is only one-third that of whites.

Let’s not peddle backwards. In a progressive society like America, colleges should look at the whole person when considering his or her potential contribution to the campus—including race. That’s why I commend the University of Michigan’s continued fight for affirmative action.

Each February we take time to remember the achievements of notable African-Americans and what progress we have made thus far. But this year I hope we will look openly and honestly at our broader American history and the ramifications on African-Americans in our society to see why affirmative action is still needed.

Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
Visit my online magazine for moms
http://keepingfamilyfirst.org

Sunday, February 06, 2005

Tribute to Black History--pt 2

I’m Black and I’m Proud…Now
by Anita S. Lane

I grew up as a minority in a predominately white and Orthodox Jewish neighborhood which grew increasingly ethnically diverse throughout my K-12 academic career. I remember going into kindergarten and first grade with just two or three Black children in my class. I remember becoming best friends with Molly and later, Julie who were both Jewish. In high school I remember falling for the one Latino guy in our class and having the biggest crush on the popular, muscular, dark-haired, dark-eyed boy named Brad.

I remember me and my best friend having a saying that went, “white boys, black cars, colonial houses and lots of money, honey.” Suburban life had really taken its toll.

Then I went to college. Giving credit to the Black Action Movement (BAM) the Black Student Union, courses in the College of African American Studies and other culturally aware students, I learned more about African American history than I ever did growing up. I learned that “my people” had so much that I could be proud of.

Most importantly, I give credit to God for showing me how to love myself and others unconditionally. I became a Christian at age 18 and really began to challenge my subconscious beliefs about race, culture and beauty. My mom informs me that when I was in elementary school I wanted to be white and have long, straight hair like the other girls. Amazingly, I don't remember that. However, I do remember being a teenager and having a preference for light-skinned Black boys with “good” (that meant straighter) hair.

As a result of the salvation and cultural education I experienced as a young college student, I began to accept, appreciate and love myself and those like me—Black people—more. I knew I had truly “crossed over” when I loved and appreciated myself enough to desire to marry someone just like me—albeit, male. It wasn’t long before I met my wonderful, tall, muscular, very handsome, brown-skinned husband-to-be while on campus. Had I met him before my metamorphosis, he would have never made the cut--
and I would have missed out on God's best for me.

While it is unfortunate that I had to go through such a deep inner transformation just to unconditionally love, appreciate and accept myself and other Black people, I’m just glad that I made the tranformation. And if I can be an encouragement to anyone else with the same struggle, that's great. My people are incredibly bright, strong, courageous, passionate, loving, creative and beautiful people. I doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks of us. I know that now. I’m Black…and I’m proud.


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane

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Sunday, January 30, 2005

Tribute to Black History--pt 1

We Must Love Ourselves—The Solution for a Post-Modern Civil Rights Era
by Anita S. Lane

Prior to the advancements made by the civil rights movement of the 1950s and 60s, the black community suffered under severe and oppressive racism that made it very difficult to fully express one’s self and function freely in American society. Some of the external forces that permitted such oppression still exist in the hearts of men today, yet I believe that we in the black community must come to terms with the fact that the most oppressive inhibitor now exists within.

The modern civil rights movement brought the segregation walls down. This was a very necessary action to ensure all Americans the right to vote and access to houses, jobs and universities. Yet when the walls came down our focus as a community should have shifted inward. What do we need to do now to ensure that we are able to take full advantage of the opportunities before us? How do we deal with the lingering inner oppressive forces that are the result of centuries of external oppression that now work against us to keep us from excelling even after the segregation walls have been brought down?

Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr., following the example of the nonviolent model of Jesus Christ, taught us to love our enemies. Today, our most powerful enemy is the enemy within, and the only conqueror to this enemy is love.

I believe Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. would pain inside to see that after the incredible amount sacrifice the black community endured to persist in the nonviolent movement, today we are the largest perpetrators of violence and the majority of that violence we inflict on one another.

Can we take the words of the nonviolent leaders and use the example of the nonviolent movement and lift the oppression that exists within the black community today? It’s been said that change occurs only when an oppressed people “find their voice.” Can we find our voice within in the words, “we must love ourselves?” As rudimentary as this may sound, until we truly love ourselves, we will not cease to destroy ourselves, and we will keep ourselves from living the glorious lives that God has intended for each of us.

Can we in the black community boycott the hate, march against the blame game and hold a sit-in at the local churches to hear our preachers pour the message of love into our hearts?

God’s word tells us that love will cover the multitude of sins (I Peter 4:8). It is this kind of unconditional, enduring love that will enable us to embrace our strengths, rise above external opposing forces, conquer our fears, overcome our failures, grow beyond our limitations and lead the lives purposed for us. No one and nothing else can do this for us. It must begin from within. We must find our voice and change our destiny. We must truly love ourselves.


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
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Sunday, January 23, 2005

Secular Humanism: Slowly Becoming America’s National Religion?

by Anita S. Lane

I’ve heard the arguments. They are compelling and reasonable. We cannot endorse one religion unless we are willing to endorse them all. Hence, can you imagine the front lawn of City Hall covered with thirty different religious symbols and displays during the Winter Solstice season?—the holiday I call Christmas.

How about removing all postings of the Ten Commandments from all court houses throughout the country—including the Ten Commandments engraved in stone above the United States Supreme Court. We could do this. However, let’s consider the civility of this action.

The First Amendment of the United States Constitution states that:

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion or prohibiting the free exercise thereof; or abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.

But does this amendment mean that there can be no expression of faith in the public square? My reading does not render that interpretation. Nor do I think our forefathers read the amendment that way. Based on these words we see that the constitution forbids the government from establishing a national religion as well as from prohibiting us from freely exercising our religion.

Our forefathers were not afraid of the role and significance of faith—unlike the many secularists in today’s culture. Consider the fact that Moses is included among the great lawgivers in the sculpture relief on the east portico of the Supreme Court. Furthermore, each Supreme Court Session begins with the invocation, "God save the United States and this honorable court."

Okay, so you say, “that’s just tradition…” Well, that’s just my point. Certain traditions and “religious” symbols simply reflect our heritage as a nation. Remembering heritage is imperative—whether good or bad. That’s why we have museums that remind us of American slavery. It’s also why some folks want to maintain their confederate flag. It’s our roots…and it has molded us into who we are today.

Today, however, we have secular humanists who insist that anything remotely sacred or religious is somehow an imposition on their right to not be religious. I contend that their push to secularize everything is an imposition on my right to be “religious.”

Now Secular Humanists do not consider themselves an organized religion but rather an organized philosophical system—primarily because there is no deity-worship involved. Yet one definition of religion according to the American Heritage Dictionary is, “A cause, principle, or activity pursued with zeal or conscientious devotion.”

Thus, we can safely say that religion is not confined to a weekly liturgy or worship of a deity. The highly organized set of principles laid out in the “Affirmations of Humanism: A Statement of Principles,” is akin to one’s “Statement of Faith” posted in the halls of any given religious institution.

The definition of secularism is “the view that religious considerations should be excluded from civil affairs or public education, yet the United States Constitution does not require such a separate and “secular” government. It only requires that the government not establish a national religion. However, if the precedent set by recent court rulings continues and all levels of government are forced to enforce these rulings, I fear we will have established a national religion—a national religion of Secular Humanism.

My question to the secular humanist is this: Just how is one expected to exclude religious considerations from civil affairs and public education when the very individuals involved in civil affairs and public education are people of faith—among others? The laws and institutions of the United States reflect the people of the United States. And most people in this country have a core religious faith from which they cannot simply separate themselves nor ignore when forming opinions and making decisions.

My words to the secular humanist are these: a nation truly free of a national religion would allow free discusion of religion in a school setting--or Bible, Torah or Koran reading during a student's "free reading time" as long as it was initiated by the student and not the teacher. In homogeneous communities, if a student wants to offer a prayer and no one dissents, it should be allowed. The point is not to force a particular religion on anyone—nor to prevent the free expression thereof. However, it appears as though America is headed toward the prohibition of all forms of religious expression.

Once we come to the point where one can be jailed, fined, disciplined or reprimanded for expressing their religious beliefs in public or private setting, our nation has seriously veered from the constitution. In an attempt to erect a “wall of seperation between church and state” the nation will have wrongly constructed an even larger wall of Secular Humanism to prohibit the inclusion and participation of people of faith.

The United States is one nation of many people of many religions and ideologies. Individuals in our public institutions, schools and workplaces should all be allowed to freely express or not express themselves in public or private without fear of reprimand.

To expect government to adopt the secular humanist position is not only unconstitutional but unrealistic. For as long as there are people of faith, there will be expressions of faith both in the public and private sector. America is a pluralistic society with Judeo-Christian roots. Accept it. America should not be forced to deny or ignore its heritage.


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane
Visit the Keeping Family First Website for Moms!

Sunday, January 16, 2005

No Potty Breaks Allowed

by Anita S. Lane

It was our son’s first birthday. I felt blessed. He’d made it through a whole entire year— nothing to take lightly. I was planning a small family celebration with party hats, balloons and cupcakes to commemorate his special day.

All was well—apart from the fact that this day came on the heels of a major pipe burst in our basement. The broken pipe left both sides of the kitchen sink unusable and a considerable amount of dirty water on our new basement carpet. So I spent the early hours of the morning of my son’s first birthday picking up every conceivable item off the floor of the basement and family room to make way for the carpet cleaner’s arrival between 8 and 9 a.m. After picking up, washing a load of clothes, dressing and feeding the children, combing my daughter’s hair, and facilitating the carpet cleaning, it was time to set up for the gathering.

I tied the helium balloons to his high chair and moved the chair to the dining room. I placed the party hats, plates and cupcakes on the table. Now was my chance to take a moment to make myself presentable. I took a potty break.

Within a moment into my ascent up the stairs to the bathroom my five year-old daughter yells, “Mommy! Mommy! The baby pulled the cupcakes off the table and they are all over the floor!” In my attempt to remain calm I said, “Just pick them up and put them back on the table.” Another moment passed and my daughter yells, “Mommy, it’s all over the place!” I said to myself, “Maybe it’s not as bad as it sounds. She may have exaggerated some.” Then I had a visual image of what might have taken place.

The weaker part of me wanted to have a melt-down. “I’m not going to cry,” I told myself. I was really tired—not to mention eight months pregnant—and I couldn’t fathom a setback of that magnitude.

I gained my composure (although I was still not yet physically presentable) and headed downstairs. Yes, it was as bad as I thought. My three children were sitting on the beige, carpeted dining room floor along with twelve smashed chocolate cupcakes. The birthday boy was covered in chocolate icing from top to bottom. The carpet was a mess.

For what happened next I must give God the glory. “Put your party hats on!” I said. Then I grabbed my camera. “Say cheese,” I said as I snapped a few photos of the party that had apparently started with out me. I guess my idea of fun and a one year-old’s idea of fun are completely different.

Right about this time Grandma and Papa arrived. They took one look at the mess and one look at me (I guess I must have looked a mess too) and said, “We’ll clean it up.” Then I once again ascended to the bathroom to make myself presentable.

We had a great little celebration. Looking back, my son’s cupcake debacle ensures his first birthday will be a memorable one. And if I’m honest, it wasn’t really his fault. I left the cupcakes on the table—apparently within his reach. And once again, I was the one who left to go to the bathroom. As a mother of young children, I should have known better—as necessary and important as they may be, there are no potty breaks allowed!


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane

Sunday, January 09, 2005

How to Have a Baby on the Weekend

by Anita S. Lane

It was a very familiar scene. Eight of my closest family members huddled in the birthing room celebrating the birth of my fourth child. “This is a tradition,” my stepmother said. “We wouldn’t miss this,” she said referring to visiting me while in the hospital and posing for the traditional photo of me holding the baby and the family gathered around the bed.

As we all “oohed and aahed” over the baby my stepmother went on to say, “Just how do you manage to always have your babies on the weekend?” We all thought about it for a moment and she was right. My first baby was born on a Friday night, my second on a Sunday afternoon, and my fourth on a Saturday night. My third was born on a Monday but it felt like a weekend because it was three days before Christmas during “Christmas break.” Nice and convenient for everyone, uh?

We chuckled at this coincidence and then I said, “Maybe I could write a book telling other moms how to plan to have their babies on the weekend and make a bunch of money.” We all laughed. But you’re reading this article aren’t you?

Each year there are over 2,000 self-help books published world-wide. How to Have a Baby on the Weekend: Plan how to give birth when it’s convenient for you and your family, could be one more resource for moms and dads looking for ways to help improve the quality and convenience of their lives. And the amazing thing is—somebody—if not many people, would buy the book.

Common sense tells us that there is no way one can really plan (accept by planned cesarean) which day of the week a woman will give birth, yet as bright, self-aware individuals we’re often enticed by the possibility that we might actually be able to outsmart the forces of nature—not to mention the divine will of God.

However, we must be honest with ourselves. There are some things that we simply cannot control. No matter how many self-help books we read we cannot undo the fact that life happens. Accidents happen, people become ill, you may lose your job, and a loved one may even lose his or her life. Yet the most we can do is respond in a healthy manner.

If something you really want to happen in your life doesn’t happen, know that it is ultimately okay. As long as you’re breathing, life goes on and you can continue to make the best of each day, improving yourself and doing right by the things over which you do have control. That’s the most anyone can do—and with that attitude, you just might have your baby on the weekend.

Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane

Visit the Keeping Family First Website for Moms!
http://keepingfamilyfirst.org

Saturday, January 01, 2005

Resolve to Thrive in 2005!

by Anita S. Lane

It’s that time of year again—time for reflection and goal-setting—time to determine what we can do to make this year better than the last.

If you’re like me, your list of resolutions might include the all-too-familiar, eat right, exercise more, lose weight, spend more time in God’s Word, put more money aside, better manage my time, etc.

But what many of us often overlook is our family life. We want a thriving career or business and we set goals and make strides to deliver on these goals. But do we make a resolution to have a thriving family? A family that really knows one another, cares for one another deeply, enjoys one another’s company, and supports one another’s endeavors? As a parent are you tending to your child’s spiritual, emotional, social and physical needs? This doesn’t happen “on the fly.” To do this takes a concerted effort, prayer and discipline. Hence, goal setting, benchmarks, time and effort.

In America today, 34% of girls will get pregnant at least once by the age of 20. 53% of 12th grade students have used illicit drugs. Nine million children between the ages of 6 and 18 are now obese—an all-time high. 46% of all 9-12th grade students have had sexual intercourse. The divorce rate among born-again Christians is 35%-- identical to that of married adults who are not born again. And in Detroit, about 35% of Detroit students don’t graduate. Thus, it is imperative that we take a moment to take stock of the health of our family life. Is your family first after God? Or is your family way down the list of priorities after church, work, and other obligations?

This year, consider including goals like, eat more family meals together, have family devotions once a week, set aside a monthly date night with your spouse, spend quality one-on-one time with each child.

There are some things in life that come along only once and we only get one shot at getting it right. And that’s family. If you’re reading this and you have a spouse and children at home, take out your pen and prepare to write. If 2004 was a great year for the overall health of your family, congratulations! But if you sense that your family life has fallen short in some areas, take comfort that God’s mercies are new every morning! So resolve to thrive in 2005!


Copyright ©2005 by Anita S. Lane